chaos, and more accurately, how it feels.
music:
. next year - two door cinema club
. carried away - passion pit
. outskirts of paradise - bad suns
I crave freedom. I crave radical freedom. I desire the free will to make every decision possible for my situation. This often leads to feeling an "on the move" feeling. Unstable, or unhinged. Chaotic. I keep going more than I keep growing and suddenly the feeling is here. I am reveling the ability to make objectively terrible decisions, because those decisions are the kind of choices that no one would ever make for me, no all loving leader or force would actively choose these things for me. Being "on the move" gives rise to a very particular sentiment regarding introspection. I don't introspect when I am feeling this way, but I do revel in comfortable silence. instead of being occupied with my thoughts, I am occupied by my feeling. I allow myself to breathe, and to feel, and that is valuable. Admittedly because it's rare.
It is in the quiet of being on the move that i feel, not think. It is in the deafening loudness that I experience. I am there, truly grounded in the moment. An instance of this that stands out in particular is going ice skating with some friends, one that I knew well, and a couple that I only knew on a surface level. In that afternoon, I was present, I was there with them. I was not within my own realm for once. It was refreshing, to be hooked to the present and only the present. In my going, I am human, and I feel the experiences I have to their fullest extents. It's refreshing, these moments of clarity as I get increasingly wrapped in my own mind. As of late, I haven't been on the move much. I was today, and it was wonderful. In these moments, I am not to any extent a good creative mind, I apologize. I am acutely aware of the feeling I am attempting to capture, but I am unable to capture it fluidly. I feel it too truthfully. Its nuances consume me. It is remarkably honest, and quite frankly, that doesn't make for good poetry.
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