keep going, keep growing

how to adequately define myself to contain all the complexity and nuances of consciousness.

the goal:

"keep going, keep growing" is a phrase an old friend used to say to me. at the time we were talking about my aesthetic and he described it as a "keep going, keep growing vibe." that is to say that my essence by his definition is cyclical in nature, a loop of new experiences and introspection. recently, i am trying to live by that.

keep going - keep searching out new experiences, keep growing - keep changing, keep building.

i fear stagnation. im going to put it out there, i fear becoming compliant. as a result, i cycle myself through new things, new thoughts. i try, at least, to grow from those experiences and not just adapt and assimilate. i want to live this motto, i want to keep going, keep growing, and keep being. so desperately i want to grow.

this phrase brings me solace when the absurd roars with its voluminous silence, when i have to face my stagnation and stare it down. it brings the comfort of a singular essence i can identify myself with and be reminded of those who see the good in me, see the continuity.

definitions:

for a long time i defined myself with qualities and attributes. i was the "smart kid" growing up, the intelligent, clever one with the good grades who got along with teachers. i was next the Aquarius, as i hit my astrology phase, i was the quirky and unique one, the nuanced child bursting with creativity and innovation. i was next the tinker, as i joined robotics and spent my days taking everything i deemed replaceable apart, fascinated with how they worked.

then as i began writing i cycled through metaphors to define myself. in 7th grade i wrote that i was the another lost ship and you, dear lighthouse, were there on the shore, waving me in from the chaos. in 8th grade i wrote that i was 14 years into a cosmic and human asymptote. i've cycled through many metaphors over the course of my writing to describe myself, aspects of myself, sectors of my life, or worldviews. the issue with that outlook is that as i outgrew the metaphor, or i uncovered something that didn't fit this view, i had to change the entire metaphor, i needed to replace it and find a new metaphor that would adequately describe the unearthed part of me. i was forced to shift my worldview as i outgrew metaphor after metaphor.

i cycled through metaphors and by extension, worldviews. it was exhausting.

now i am trying a new approach. i am choosing to define myself with the cycle of "keep going, keep growing." i am defining myself with the cycle of my growing set of experiences and my broadening horizons.

after all, i am not late night drives, i am not roads or traffic lights in their singularity. i am the act of driving - the keep going. i am not the structure of a school building, its facade or walls. i am what exists "Entre les murs." i am the people that flow through it, the growth, the cycle of time pressing us all forward into the future we are terrified to craft for ourselves. i am the heart of the education system - the keep growing.

i am the cycle, the continuous motion of keep going and keep growing.

i may be made up of the particles of long forgotten stars, the iron in my blood, the oxygen that fuels my breath, but i am by no means the stars, i am not even the connections, i exist in the pictures drawn between them, the stories of wonder and awe as the Greeks first looked towards the night sky and saw something beautiful in the spatter of lights dotting their heavens. i am tired of defining myself with ideas and experiences and qualities. i am the cycle of new experiences and growth, the act of introspection, the motion of it. i am continuous, i am not one and done, i am fluid. i am choosing to define myself by my continuous experience, not a sum of individual circumstance or influences. i am emergence, i am greater than the sum of my parts, and i want to define myself as such.

i am allowing my identity to be subject to growth for the first time in my life and it is liberating.